How To Train Your Vampire
by ShockValueAuthor
Summary: This is set after my story "Damon's Boredom". I felt as if perhaps I was harsh to Stefan...so now it is his turn for some fun. Please read and review?


How to Train Your Vampire

By: ShockValueAuthor

Stefan Salvatore was leaning back in a chair, nursing a glass of scotch. Streams of moonlight were passing through the curtains in the study, luminous and tranquil. He kept the room intentionally dark to match his mood, waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

With an exasperated sigh, he dug in his pocket for his cell. Clicking a few buttons he pressed it to his ear, teeth grinding in frustration.

After a few rings a woman answered the phone, obviously drunk. "Hello?"

Stefan rolled his eyes, procuring a polite tone. "I'm looking for Damon."

The woman giggled. "Well, you found him."

"May I speak to him?"

There was a pause, and for a moment Stefan thought she had hung up. Dead silence. He waited patiently until she spoke again.

"He's not here. Like, thought he was, but he just…poof."

Shaking his head at the obviously intoxicated woman he chuckled. "Thank you, go get some sleep."

"Sure thing, sugar."

After casting his phone to the side he sighed, this time in frustration. This was the second time Damon had dodged his calls tonight. After the supposed "animal attacks" in Mystic Falls, it was vital that Damon be kept under close surveillance until suspicions of vampires were out of everyone's mind. Worst of all, it was obvious that Damon knew what he was doing, and therefore simply enjoying the chaos ensuing around the little town.

A creak of the front door made him stand up, arms crossed. A light flicked on in the foyer, followed by a thump against the wall and a few curses. With his sensitive hearing Stefan could vaguely make out the tune his brother was humming under his breath.

"Cyndi Lauper, really…?" Stefan walked towards the foyer. He was intent on giving Damon a lecture on his dismissive behavior until he saw him…

Damon looked up from his spot on the floor when he started to hear Stefan laugh. "And what do you think is so funny?" The older man was leaning against the wall, sitting on the floor. His jacket was torn slightly in one shoulder, face puffy on the left side, and best of all he was sopping wet.

"You do know that you're supposed to drink liquor, not swim in it…"

Damon took the comment with a grin. "I know how to multitask."

Stepping forward he held a hand to Damon, who begrudgingly accepted the assistance. Stefan let him lean slightly, helping him walk. "So what happened?"

"I had a run in with a cougar. Already had enough booze to give an elephant alcohol poisoning, wasn't ready for that." He said flatly.

"Well, I never thought I'd hear you say you couldn't handle a woman, sober or otherwise."

Damon's head shot up slightly, tilting back. "Wasn't a chick."

At that Stefan backed away, causing Damon to stumble. "What?"

Leaning forward Damon spread his arms, trying to regain balance. "I miss being coordinated."

"Not that, did you just say you weren't talking about a woman?"

"No. Went to a party in the woods, had a few lovely ladies for dinner." He smiled at this. "Have to love it when the one struggled a bit; thank God for low-cut shirts…"

Stefan snapped his fingers. "Yeah, I already know how much you like buffet dining. Focus. How did you get your ass kicked by a cat?"

"Okay, first of all," Damon leaned against the wall again, glaring at Stefan, "I did not get my ass kicked by a cat. It ambushed me."

Crossing his arms, smug grin and all, Stefan nodded his head. "So the cat planned to surprise you?"

"Damn straight. It got me at a very vulnerable time."

He arched an eyebrow. "How so?"

Damon looked at him with an expression almost pitiable. "Ever drank so much that you couldn't wait to piss?"

"You're an idiot."

"No, I'm serious! The girls were already dead, maybe the cougar smelled the blood and wanted a taste, I don't know. But I was propped up against a tree, heeding 'nature's call'," Damon laughed at the disgusted expression his younger brother wore, "And out of nowhere there's this huge cat, just staring me down." He placed his arms in front of him to show where it was. "I was having a staring contest with a wild animal…while taking a piss. It truly was an experience I will never forget."

While revolted on some level Stefan was still curious. "That doesn't explain why you are torn up and dripping water on our carpet."

"Oh, that. Well, it left me alone and went to the girls. Sniffed them, which was kind of funny to watch. So I wanted to avoid the thing naturally."

"Naturally," Stefan echoed.

"I stepped on a tree branch, twig snapped so it came towards me fast. I darted out of there quick as I could."

"So then what?"

"Well, I ended up on some bridge. Regained my sobriety a bit, enough to walk straight at least."

Stefan prompted Damon with his expression.

Damon wouldn't look at Stefan. "And I slipped and fell." When his brother started to laugh, his voice was defensive. "Look, I never said I gained all my sobriety jackass."

"Karma…is a bitch." Stefan said, trying to let words pass from his laughter. "And here I was going to rail you on your behavior. Instead you gave me entertainment. So nice of you."

Damon pretended to vomit. "Nice? Don't be stupid. Now help me get on the couch."

"What do nice people say?"

"Shut up or I will strangle you with a cordless phone."

Laughing, he helped Damon up. "Fine. But don't think I've forgotten about last week. Or tonight, for that matter."

Once Damon was on the couch Stefan went for the steps, and upon hearing the phrase, "Go get your glitter bath" he knew exactly how to plot his revenge.

When Damon awoke the next morning, his head was spinning. While more than accustomed to nights of drinking and God-knows-what, last night was over the top, even for him.

Squinting at the light hitting his eyes he sat up, stretching, grimacing at the foul taste in his mouth, scratching his neck…

At least he tried, something was on it.

Darting up quickly he ran in a stupor for the nearest mirror, and upon the sight yelled for his brother to come downstairs. Once he heard footsteps come off the steps he spun around in a fury.

"Is this some kind of fucking joke?" He tugged at the collar profusely, enable to get it off. "Stefan, as soon as this thing comes off I'm going to beat you with it…"

"You are in no position to do such a thing," Stefan said coldly. From behind his back he pulled a small remote.

Damon shook his head in disbelief, inching towards Stefan. "You are so dead…"

Once the 'on' switch was hit Stefan quickly thrust the control down and broke it with his heel. In less than a second a light shock hit Damon, momentarily stunning him.

"That's it… You are dead!" Another shock, only more intense, connected with Damon.

"I'm aware this is unconventional, but you leave me no choice. The more out of control you get, the more and harder it will zap you."

He stood there, staring at Stefan incredulously. "You really are a sadist."

"Well I suppose when I can't have my glitter bath, things can get rough." He said sarcastically.

Damon's eyes widened as he gaped at Stefan. "You cannot possibly be mad about that."

"Yes I can."

"But I thought you liked being called Sparkles…"

"What the Hell gave you that idea?"

"Well for one thing you fit it so well, being a little bitc-" Before the whole profanity came out, another hefty shock zapped Damon. "Knock it off!"

"It will do what it needs to automatically for a week or so. Nothing you, me, or anyone else can do."

"A week _or so_?"

Stefan smiled thinly. "Damn straight."

TO BE CONTINUED!

Please leave comments…?


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